


"You need to let go"

by tiyrol



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Brief mention of real names, Character Death, Depression, Drowning, Fluff, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I just thought platonic went with the plot more, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of anti-depressants, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Hand-Holding, Platonic Skephalo - Freeform, Strong mentions of dead character, Suicide, Written platonically but you can read it romantically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27922573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiyrol/pseuds/tiyrol
Summary: '“You know I’m not real, none of this is,” He was spilling information that he always tried to close off from the world, making his heart ache from the realization that his comfort source was about to fade away again, in a blink of an eye; something that shouldn't be possible. “You need to let go, Skeppy.”We all know all good things must come to an end, Skeppy would never admit this. He wanted Bad in his reach for the rest of eternity, to be able to reach out and grasp his shirt, pull him into a hug that he would trap him in until Bad told him he needed to let go.'Yet this simple task was so hard for Skeppy that it became too much.
Relationships: Zak Ahmed & Darryl Noveschosch, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 26
Kudos: 48





	"You need to let go"

**Author's Note:**

> !READ TAGS IF SUICIDE TW's ARE TRIGGERING!

The pair of best friends had been enjoying each others company for almost the entire day, from waking up in each others arms and again falling asleep in them, each one of their heartbeats mimicking the others, making a smooth rhythm that was surely to send anyone to sleep with the peaceful breaths the pair took in unison and the beatings of their hearts relaxed into a calm melody. The movie they had put on as background noise for their past conversation was now past the credits and was rolling whatever suggested movie was relevant to the last they watched, in this case, UP! was playing.

Skeppy and Bad had moved in together many moons ago when they both decided they missed each other's company far too much to stay apart. Their viewers agreed since they all saw how happy one and other were in each others arms in the videos they shared to the internet that would be stored forever. This made the pair feel secure; many would disagree from how people could spy on things that they believed they deleted. Yet, Bad and Skeppy thought that friendship could be trapped in a video recording, for historians to look back on and they would view the friendship that was captured in the moment of 2020 was extremely interesting.

Skeppy began to stir awake from his restful nap with Bad, he mostly enjoyed the nap as his warmth was powered by another one’s body heat, which was very assuring into feeling comfortable with Skeppy. He had always found physical contact something that he needed to survive, there was no expectation that it was Bad’s physical contact that he needed and longed for when they were once miles apart, that; for the record, he was now surrounded in.

As Skeppy came to his senses of his surroundings, he nuzzled up into Bad’s chest even further, capturing the moment of heat he still had before Bad woke up and took his warmth away. He never wanted this moment to end, as if when he blinked it could all fade away so easily, which wasn’t humanly possible but it still never kept Skeppy from worrying. ' _maybe he should worry…'_

Skeppy was hidden away in the crook of Bad’s neck, making him hear his heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears, he found comfort in this and focused on the evened out breathing the man below him was carrying out. The movie in the background could be seen as interesting, yet, Skeppy would much prefer to focus on something that would only happen for a limit of time, beginning to fall asleep on how peaceful the moment was.

Almost on queue as Skeppy was about to drift off back into a deep slumber, Bad began to arise from his previous heavy sleep making Skeppy send a message to his exhausted body to stay awake.

Bad’s joints stiffened below Skeppy as he escaped his slumbered trance, stretching his bones in a attempt to loosen up from his rather uncomfortably positioned nap, he would never complain, though, since cuddling Skeppy to sleep was one of his favourite hobbies on a cold winter night. Not so cold with the personal body heater after all.

Bad turned his position almost all around so he was now facing Skeppy’s. Their eyes locked and a smile spread on each one of the men’s faces. Skeppy stared into the diluted forest green eyes that lie in front of his milky deep brown ones. Bad always liked to say they remind him of hot cocoa on a snowy evening, children previously playing in the snow and coming inside to prevent their approaching frostbite and all share a hot chocolate made by their mother, just enjoying each others company.

Skeppy would always explain in return that he thought Bad’s eyes reminded him of two kids running through a forest, trying to escape each other from a game of tag before getting too out of breath and rolling on the floor giggling in sync, finding a broken down tire swing and just having a conversation as they sway in the summer breeze.

“Your eyes are so pretty.” Skeppy spoke the thought that was bubbling around his head, almost screaming to be let out. His voice slightly cracking mid-sentence from his exhaustion of only just mentally waking up. Bad’s cheeks flushed from the early morning compliment from; in his opinion, the prettiest person that he even lied his; in Skeppy’s opinion, ‘so pretty’ eyes on.

“Good morning, or; good nap!” Bad replied, technically not replying to Skeppy’s previous comment yet they both communicated their own conversation from just locking eyes, Skeppy received his own compliment just from a smile and Bad’s eyes slowly shuttering closed and slowly opening again, making Skeppy blush from how much they actually know each other for him to know what Bad meant from what many people would just thing was an exhausted blink.

“Morn’in.” Skeppy said mid-way through a yawn, making Bad giggle at his attempts to wake up, falling missuibly when resting his head back into the safety of the crook of Bad’s neck, his hair strands slightly tickling his fair skin.

“You can’t go back to sleep,” Bad said dragging out the last syllable of his reply to what he realized was Skeppy's attempts to fall back into his bit of eye-shut. “We have things to do, it's already 9pm, we napped for so long!” When Bad had finished his very well thought out convincing words, he began to attempt to shuffle Skeppy off his chest to continue his day that was previously put on pause to allow Skeppy to fuel back on energy.

Skeppy complied, realecing the weight of Bad’s chest that he didn’t realise was there before, he would never complain if it was Skeppy anyway.

The pair sat up on the couch from their prior sleeping positions, pausing the movie and making a mental note to finish the flying house movie another day, presumably next time actually paying attention to it and not just how their fingers looked perfect interlocked with one another.

After the silence that filled the air, Bad broke it with news that Skeppy always dreaded to hear.

“I've got to go, Skeppy,” He knew this moment would come sooner or later yet he never liked to admit so. There wasn’t a moment that Skeppy even considered letting Bad out of his sight, too afraid that he would disappear again, just like the night he died.

“You know I’m not real, none of this is,” He was spilling information that he always tried to close off from the world, making his heart ache from the realization that his comfort source was about to fade away again, in a blink of an eye; something that shouldn't be possible. “You need to let go, Skeppy.”

We all know all good things must come to an end, Skeppy would never admit this. He wanted Bad in his reach for the rest of eternity, to be able to reach out and grasp his shirt, pull him into a hug that he would trap him in until Bad told him he needed to let go. _“Let go.”_

The words repeated in Skeppy’s head, he became skittish with the newfound memory that came to the surface of his head; as much as he despised it, it was still there and there was nothing he could do about it, history always seemed to repeat itself so often when Bad was around, their old memories surfacing in good ways and bad. As much as they made new memoires Skeppy knew these were not real, as much as it made his heart shatter about Bad lying in a coffin underground in some run down graveyard that he hadn’t been to since he was lowered into the ground many years ago.

“Could you stay a little longer?” Skeppy broke the tension that was created in the time that Skeppy was at a loss for words. Tears began to brim the corners of his eyes, almost mocking him on how messed up this was to keep pretending like he never left.

“No, Skeppy,” That sentence made Skeppy’s heart weep and the tears threatened to spill as Skeppy broke down from the inside and out.

“You know I can’t.” and with those words, he faded away into dust.

He knew Bad was dead deep down, that the person he had found himself attached to was just a figure of his own imagination. The Bad that lied beside him and sung him a sweet melody to sleep every night wasn’t real, the only noise in the dark bedroom was Skeppy’s sobs that escaped his lips from how much he missed his best friend. From Skeppy’s point of view Bad reassured him that he was here, he wasn’t going to leave and everything was okay. From the outside, Skeppy was smiling and curling up into thin air, only pretending it was his main source of comfort.

The Bad that commentated silly claims on the movies they watched together wasn’t real, Skeppy was giggling at jokes that no-one in particular made. Watching every movie alone in the real world, talking to the voice that was only audible to Skeppy. The younger man telling how much he liked the movie or asked him questions that Bad also didn’t know the answer to because; he was just Skeppy’s imagination, something from Skeppy’s head and in that head it didn’t know the answer to the question either. It also didn’t know the answer to the question on how it was going to get through the 5 stages of grief, constantly pushing the thought of seeing a therapist as far away as possible, knowing that they would take Bad away and that was something he didn’t know if he could handle.

The Bad he walked down the street with, hands interlocked and giggled erupting from the pair was never there in the first place, people in Skeppy’s town tried to stay away from the long-term griefing man as possible, afraid of why he would buy a meal for no one who sat opposite him in a small café, resting his hand on what he thought was his best friend, deep down he knew it wasn’t but he could never bring himself to let the fake comfort figure go.

He always knew there was never someone there listening to him as he split all his worries onto the figure that looked so much like his best friend; which in reality wasn’t anyone at all. He never wanted to admit it because it hurt so goddamn much, as much as it was hurting him to pretend that someone that was dead was so very alive wasn’t healthy either but how much danger Skeppy would be in if he stopped allowing his hallucinations to take place.

His friends thought he was incredibly crazy when he would talk about memories that they knew never happened, they tried to help their friend that they were slowly losing to depression yet it was no use, he refused to let ‘Bad’ out of his grasp, almost screaming and crying for them to leave _them_ alone. They were with Skeppy since the first road of his long awaited giant journey of acceptance, and never seemed to be planning to get off any time soon. He seemed to still be stuck on the same road, always going in loops despite the signs on the side of the road and his friends screaming for him to take the next turning, telling him which way it was to meet his long awaited destination of acceptance; he ignored all the directions that made him drift from Bad.

Only recently had his hallucinations gotten out of hand to the point Skeppy was mixing old memories of when his best friend was alive and for when he was just a mess of pathways from his brain. Skeppy would never give in and get therapy for the things that he’s struggling with from Bad’s passing because this was enough comfort for him, enough to fill the void in his heart that only became hollow when Bad passed and he wasn’t going to let bad go for a second time, especially now that he could control it.

The five stages of grief; first, denial. Skeppy always seemed to be in denial, as of today he hadn’t let go, let himself realise the truth that Bad isn’t here and the ‘Bad’ he seemed to know so well was only a part of his imagination.

He almost refused to go to the funeral, and even though he did, he stood at the back; and Bad stood beside him for all Skeppy knew, their fingers laced together, Bad’s comfort dancing on his skin, allowing him to get through seeing his best friends dead body in the coffin, as much as he wanted to cry knowing he was gone deep down, he didn't need to when the man was still stood beside him, not even a single scratch on his body indicating death.

Bad never died in Skeppy’s head, and he was sure to keep it that way. He always stood beside him and when he left, he always came back as soon as Skeppy thought about it hard enough. His friends knew he was crazy, they all knew Bad was dead and Skeppy wasn’t even close to accepting it; they never knew if he would. The way it was going you would think the man would end up hurting himself in measures of his hallucinations, who knows what the man's mind was telling him to do and he was for sure going to listen if it was coming from ‘Bad’.

The extreme things Skeppy would put himself into to please Bad, or to get him to come back into the real world were worrying for many people around him. The real truth was that the man was broken without Bad, it was like someone ripped everything he ever had away, which to an extend was true. Skeppy wasn’t Skeppy anymore and he sure wasn’t Zak either. Frankly, he didn’t even know who we was anymore, just a heartbroken figure that would go on walks at 3am, quietly muttering apologies under his breath hoping that it would bring him back, hoping for anything that never seemed to happen.

The amount of times that Skeppy could have given up were too many to count, even if it wasn’t his intentions, they were still there if Bad wasn’t around to save him fast enough. In another perspective, his mind deep down was still trying to save him from all the bad thoughts he had, his mind just showing up in another form that just so happened to have glasses and dirty blonde hair that always seems to sway in the right direction, making Skeppy’s heart sore. Such mesmerizing green eyes that reminded him of spring grass and flowers blooming, a high school couple on their first date, sharing sandwiches and a soda.

Overall, Bad’s death took two lives, not quite literally yet you could say Skeppy’s life was taken in the same way as Bad’s for the reasoning how he didn’t belong to any name he had been given before. Bad was dead, buried in a graveyard, his closest family members leaving his favourite flowers there everyday, the flowers bringing life to the dark stone that left no sign of life of Bad, he was such a bright person that this stone displayed no features of Skeppy’s best friend and an inspiring figure for so many all over the world yet that was all over now, wasn’t it?

Skeppy abandoned all forms of things that resembled Skeppy many years back because Skeppy resembled BadBoyHalo, Zak resembled Darryl and Skeppy couldn’t handle carrying on anything that would give him the realisation that his favorite person that helped him through it all was never planning to return.

There were many points to this tale that many never knew, how Skeppy pushed Bad to his limits, on how Bad had given up with trying to be this perfect figure for everyone that admired because he couldn’t take having the label of the person who was completely innocent, easy to wind up and how no one ever knew when to stop.

Suicide, that’s what was plastered on his death certificate; a planned death. Why you may ask? Maybe it was because no one knew how to give him a break, to stop yelling at him to let out a swear that he sometimes couldn’t hold back in these situations, sometimes wanting to let his innocent façade fall down. Let Darryl control how he felt.

How behind the screens Skeppy never knew how to turn off the recording mindset, how to ask him if this was too much and to question if it was maybe time to tone down the forever teasing that he would put Bad through. Clearly, he never did.

Skeppy couldn’t take the realization that he could have stopped this, asked him if he was okay, stop with the countless amount of teasing off and on camera, ask people to stop poking him to muster out a curse word which sometimes he joined in on.

The world never knew how Darryl died, how he was pushed to his limits and couldn’t take it anymore, how the blade he constantly held to make fresh soups was now lying on the bathroom floor while he was drawing in his own blood in the bathtub, how his roommate found the lifeless body later on, shrieking out into cries and muttering out helpless apologizes on how they should have realized sooner. Skeppy knew that he should have taken responsibility, maybe flown out to pursue his promised meet up a little sooner, done _anything_ to prevent the events that occurred; he never did and now he was paying for the consequences.

He always ponders on whether Bad would have forgiven him seeing the state he was in yet he didn’t want to be forgiven just because of the state of depression he was in, struggling to even stay alive or to take him daily antidepressant pills.

Skeppy was lost in thought for so long that he had been staring at the blank wall in his lonely apartment for hours on end, his eyes straining from the little rest they've had from the intensive focus of nothing in particular.

It was nearing 3am, the time that the sad figure would make his way around his town, just thinking about how much he felt he’s messed up, how much he regrets messing with the person dearest to him just to get a few laughs and likes from people he didn’t know on the internet, how he felt he should have realised the different tone in his voice once he said he was going to log off after on of Skeppy’s pranks and poking fun of him.

He decided he needed a break from the house that reminded him of his best friend, he recorded so many videos with the man on the computer in the other room, hugged each other in the doorway Skeppy was now walking thought to get _away_ from these memories, he felt terrible but who cares if he was the cause of the main problem anyway, surely not Bad.

The moonlight shone on Skeppy’s skin, illuminating the tears that rolled down his checks subconsciously as he walked alone in the cold autumn night. He wondered whether there would be anyone else that would brighten his day like Bad did, how Bad could make him smile on any occasion, he knew he didn’t deserve such a person in his life but it never stopped these thoughts to explore themselves. The last time he had someone so bright in his life, he blew out the light of the candle that was so bright and lit up so many lives, he always wanderers how many people were affected by Bad’s sudden disappearance, he never brought himself to check, not touching a phone screen in too many years to count, cutting anything out of his life that would contain the names Skeppy and BadBoyHalo.

The amount of people that he knew told Bad that they saved their lives always seemed to make him smile before the events that occurred soon later, he wondered how many people hurt themselves from the bright man's disappearance, Skeppy’s face visibly frowned from the memory.

He thought about how everything was going to be okay if Bad was here, how the sun would shine brighter in the day time if he was here but he’s not here, the sun is dull and nothing’s going to be okay. The world is dim with the bright light of Bad that the flame blew out many years ago, no one but Skeppy knowing the cause and frankly being the cause too.

Skeppy was nearing a river bank, the water softly ripping with the slight breeze that flowed through the air, the crickets filled the silence that the late night gave, the place still felt as silent despite the sound that was audible.

Skeppy sobbed sitting at the end of the river bank, remembering how him and his best friend sat here, telling stories back and forth when he came to visit, how Bad seemed so happy explaining stories about his dog and how much he loved her. Later that night, Skeppy heard a light sniffling sound from the spare room that Bad was what Skeppy assumed, snuggled up into the sheets. Yet, Skeppy ignored it thinking he was just hearing things; how different this would all be if he went with his gut instinct. He walked back to his bedroom without a second thought that night.

How much he wondered on all of his viewers wishing him to be okay after him and Bad’s disappearance made his eyebrows furrowed in guilt, he didn’t deserve people to care about him after he had done such thing to someone who never deserved it, people should hate him, tell him that it should have been him that was buried under dirt, no flowers resting on his grave because he didn’t deserve to be missed.

He missed him so much that no one would ever know, he didn’t know how long he could take it without his best friends comfort in his life, his found depression swallowing him into dark thoughts slowly, Skeppy never thinking about fighting back.

He dug into his pocket to reveal a bottle of pills that he was familiar with, he examined the bottle in his hand, the small pills rattling around the orange tinted plastic tub as tears fell onto the pot of supporting happiness. The writing plastered onto the tub by a sticker became a blurry sight as tears covered his vision, ‘ _weak, weak, weak._ ’ repeated over and over in his head as the demon in his head began to take over, Skeppy not having enough will power or care to try to stop it.

Without a second thought, he threw the antidepressants into the water, a little splash as the aftermath of his bad deed of pollution. He didn’t need these, he didn’t need to get better, he needed Bad, he needed to be wrapped into the familiar hug that made him feel warmth and like home.

He didn’t deserve warmth, he didn’t deserve to feel as if someone could give him such happiness. The water looked cold, _tempting._

Who would miss him anyway? No one needed to even know, there was no way that anyone would even stop him; it was dark out, alone, quiet. There was a sudden side of him that decided this was a brilliant idea, it was so easy, just a single step. He would be found in a couple hours by some innocent person that probably would scream in horror of the sight, bursting out crying at the body they had no connections to. He wouldn’t be here to care.

His family cared so much about him, he told them every time they called that he was perfectly fine, telling them how him and Bad were so good and living together was one of the best things that they ever decided, he never even felt pain lying to them since lying was his specialty from lying to himself every time the sun rises and falls. He thought about all the times his family was mad at him, how they would be better off without him, how much of a bother he was; another reason to not be missed.

Happiness was something he couldn't even remember the definition of, let alone feeling of. Old notes he wrote directed to no-one in particular described that he was happy when with him, he wondered what that felt like; all he remembered was that it felt like Bad, maybe that’s why he can’t remember this happiness feeling.

What use was life if it was constantly swarmed with regret and pain, constantly remembering memories and retracing them in his mind other than creating new ones. There were so little people that cared anymore, Skeppy was so cold that no one seemed to stick around. He couldn’t blame them, he never thought of trying to be rude it was just a habit that Bad would never fail to snap him out of, maybe that's why he was so broken.

He lived off of savings that he gained from his career, not even making a sign that he was alive since 2020, what was the point if he never felt alive anyways? The amount of times that he would disappear for countless days and only returned when Bad begged him to join his stream, that was happiness, maybe that's why he disappeared, there was no Bad to anchor him down to a schedule.

A step was so harmless in many cases, but not this time. The water wasn’t as cold as he assumed, it was his emotions that were colder, He didn’t even struggle as he sunk down, the water slowly taking the person that inspired so many, he wasn’t alive to care anymore anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the best at angst but this was more of a fic of emotions than description!!
> 
> Comments are VERY apricated!
> 
> <333


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